Immunocompromised = Loneliness

What is being immunocompromised like? In a time where there are many viruses outside my home it makes me fear leaving the house. Not only because of the symptoms caused by MCAS but also because of the symptoms caused by having a weakened immune system. There are real dangers lurking outside my safety bubble.

There is an anger which seeps into my mind while facing the world alone from inside my home. Anger of the frustration of not having been seen over the course of the pandemic, voices from the outside world trying to convince me how Covid19 is over. When in actuality it is still a real threat to people like me. The furiousness of feeling as though I do not matter in the main stream because I am unseen, or unheard because voices like mine are rarely amplified. When on the news they would say the people dying of Covid19 were like me. It created a disconnected between myself and those health privilege around me. Not because I do not want to be connected but because my feelings, my life experience is being neglected and ignored.

People have told me they caught Covid19 and it wasn’t so bad for them, well, if they aren’t immunocompromised perhaps it wouldn’t be so bad. Although I have heard how healthy people have even succumbed to Covid19 so there are two sides to this preverbal coin. There are other things being reported in the news, but the numbers are still there. Vast amounts of germs, bacteria and viruses linger in the air outside of my door. The flu is out there, as is the respiratory virus which is aiding in a health care crisis.

Legitimate fears being ignored by those we hold dear, hurts. I find myself at odds with some people in my life because of their view on the situation or their stand point on it. I do not expect everyone to isolate to protect themselves, but some people do need to realize people like me may not have the same privileges they do. It has been years for me since I left my home without a mask, years since I had a friend visit.

Isolation brings loneliness and that loneliness drives one into the darkness of depression. I have sat with uncomfortable thoughts about my life and how the pandemic and being immunocompromised has affected my life. But I am still trying to live, I am chasing my dreams, I am making art, I escape the pain in my body and mind through creative endeavors. All the while, I am lonely, I miss human connection and interaction. I may want visitors, but is it safe? Will someone truly be able to keep me safe from a potential cold or flu they maybe carrying? I sit here, I wait in this bubble of hope and disparity waiting for the day I will feel welcomed into the fold of society.

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Published by aricubangbang

Artist and writer. Living with chronic illness and writing about it. I have survived two cancers, I live with hyperadrenergic postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome, ehlers-danlos syndrome, mast cell activation syndrome, jaundice, esophagus dysmotility, Chilblains, Raynaud's, migraines, asthma, and more. I have mental health problems which I am not ashamed of, I have CPTSD, anxiety, and depression. My medical history is extensive, but I will continue moving forward. I have hope to help others not feel isolated alone, and forgotten by an ableist society.

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