Being Chronically Ill in 2022

Taking All the Pills Never Stops

While the world is tired of hearing news about Covid19 there is still this aggressiveness towards people who are choosing to wear masks. Seeing artwork by artists online expressing how they feel verbally harassed by people because of the uncomfortable memories around Covid19 masks seem to remind others of. Where I live the pandemic isn’t over, there are still people being hospitalized because of Covid19.

For me masks have protected me, I do not have all my lymph nodes I had a bunch removed because of cancer, when I get sick with the common cold it knocks me down harder than most and tends to obstruct my breathing. I wear a mask to protect myself. I understand the anxieties of masks reminding the world of illness, but diseases are kind of here to stay. Rare complex illnesses, mental health illness, chronic illnesses, cancer, disease is a part of the human condition. That being said, losing one’s temper on someone because it isn’t something you want to do isn’t a kind or understanding approach, it is closed minded and downright childish.

There have been so many times in the last few years I have wanted to stop taking my meds. It isn’t because I don’t want to live, it is because I am tired of having to swallow the pills over and over. The routine of the countless amounts of pills. I don’t go onto other people’s pages and leave nasty comments because I don’t want to take my pills all the time. I make myself take my pills to stop the swelling of MCAS, I take pills because I am missing my parathyroid and thyroid, I take pills to make me move and live. But if I simply ripped a strip off of others because they are doing something I didn’t want to do I would be projecting my own issues onto them.

Part of me hates the pills because they remind me, I am sick, and another part of me knows if I stop taking them the consequences of high blood pressure and anaphylactic shock will be inevitable. By not taking the pills I would land myself in the ER more than I want to be, because honestly, I don’t want to be in the ER at all if I can help it. So, I get up I take the pills, I inject myself when I am struggling to breath because my tongue has erupted in hives. Being sick doesn’t mean I should give up on life and what I want to do. Being sick is a speed bump along the way in life. It may be a mountain of one at times but giving up and giving into the projection of others isn’t something I am willing to do. I suffer when I do not wear a mask, and I suffer when I do not take my meds.

It has been hard to find a balance at times, the sleepless nights caused by random adrenaline dumps keep me awake, hyperPOTS is a terrible thing, but I find something to busy myself in these moments. Laying down in my bed writing a blog post as I am now. There are simple pleasures in life to be grateful for. While I was not wanting to get the Covid19 vaccine, I had to, because of how my body responses to infections. I needed to be protected because other people won’t protect me. I will wear a mask long after Covid19 is, because fragrance and scented products do me harm.

I remind myself every day when my alarm goes off for my meds, I must take my pills. I must do what I can to safeguard the life I have. Yes, pills have side effects, all of them do, however, the effects of me not taking them all will land me in the ER. Being sick is a trail of patience with ourselves at times thus why it is vital to set time aside for you to do the things you love. I love writing, and I hope to do more of it on here soon. I am working on writing books and implementing the edits into the finished ones. I love to draw and create and to do those things I need to take my meds to be in the best state to function for myself.

My community on twitch suggested I draw a spider xenomorph me, as I admire H.R. Gigers work and I love the movie Alien, that is the inspiration behind this piece.

I post videos on my YouTube at least once a week. I am trying too anyways.

Published by Ari Villain

Artist and writer. Living with chronic illness and writing about it. I have survived two cancers, I live with hyperadrenergic postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome, ehlers-danlos syndrome, mast cell activation syndrome, jaundice, esophagus dysmotility, Chilblains, Raynaud's, migraines, asthma, and more. I have mental health problems which I am not ashamed of, I have CPTSD, anxiety, and depression. My medical history is extensive, but I will continue moving forward. I have hope to help others not feel isolated alone, and forgotten by an ableist society.

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