Today I Am Not OK; Inside A CPTSD Mind

CPTSD makes me feel alone. I feel isolated from the trauma I have lived through. Experiences in time I can not erase though I long to delete them from my past. Isolating myself makes me feel safe yet alone. I think that being alone during these times is safer for me. With raw emotions at the surface of my being, no one can scratch them if I recede into myself. No one can touch my hurt; no one will see it either. CPTSD is suffering in silence, alone with no one to carry you through the numbness followed by the emptiness that topples forth from our heads. Is CPTSD making me feel like an outsider looking in on my life? Is it the trauma? Is it the loveless life I led? Does the absence of love cause CPTSD? 

Why do I feel like I can write all day? And other days, I feel as though there is too much going on in my head I can’t even start to put it on paper. I want to write myself to a better state of being, but I feel stuck in a web of doubt and disdain. 

I know this numb feeling is from the CPTSD; it causes me to feel overwhelmed, overloaded, and like nothing I am doing is worth it. I feel secluded in the feeling, but I know others living with CPTSD feel the same. I see the posts in the online forum I joined where others talk about how they think and then isolate themselves. The isolation is so damaging, but we do it anyway? Why do we do it? Why do we withdraw from people who offer help? 

I withdraw because I feel the darkness of my CPTSD has the power to dismantle other people’s minds, and I do not want to be the reason someone is sad today. I have tried to kill myself in the past, and I am not ashamed to say that stigmatizing someone struggling with these thoughts is censorship and not conducive to healing. 

Suicide rates are statistically higher for men and women who have PTSD. “Across the entire study sample, suicide rates were 12.9 per 100,000 person years, rising to 53.9 in those with a PTSD diagnosis (67.2 for men, who generally face higher suicide rates than women)” (Lane, 2020). In the sample study discussed by Lane, the evidence is shocking, and it makes me wonder what is being done for people with CPTSD and PTSD for recovery. In comparison, there is less social stigma around mental illness. I feel as someone living with CPTSD; there is not enough talk about PTSD; it is still a stigmatized topic. 

When people tell me they are there for me, I believe them, but I don’t want what I am going through or have been through to affect them negatively. I want to protect others from the things I could not defend myself from. Each time I sit down to write something about CPTSD, I feel shame; why? I am not ashamed of the fact I have it; I feel as though there are toxic portrayals of people with CPTSD/PTSD in cinema. 

I, like many others, want to be seen and understood. But the cycle of CPTSD is something that puts things in motion; feelings, thoughts, and actions can help to shift these. When trauma is caused by a medical system set up to help you in your time of need, you fear returning to a place like the ER expecting more trauma to follow your home upon discharge. 

Today I am not ok, today, I feel emotions I have not felt for a while. While my mind continues to flash through moments in time, I want to rip it from my being. I am stuck with them for life. I can only cope, calm myself and do what I need to do for myself. It is getting hard to see through these tears-ridden eyes.

I can’t not bring myself to message people on days like today. I can not reach out because I am unable to. I can not formulate the words I need to be able to talk about how I feel. My mind turns into a cage when the depressive episodes of CPTSD take over. I want to lean on others, but out of fear I do not. I isolate, like many of us do.

While I sometimes wish I did not experience all the trauma life handed me, I am thankful for life; this hard life has shaped me into who I have become. One does not become resilient without silent reflection of the trauma and hardships faced when everyone has their backs turned. I am not my diagnosis; I am a woman, writer, artist, and lover of video games.

Today I am not ok, and it is because living with CPTSD is a challenge; each minute of today has been challenging.  Thank you for reading me and giving me a moment of your time. Today I am surviving the best I can.

References
Lane, Chris. 2020, PTSH contributes to suicide risk, particularly for women. https://www.ucl.ac.uk/news/2020/nov/ptsd-contributes-suicide-risk-particularly-women#:~:text=Across%20the%20entire%20study%20sample,higher%20suicide%20rates%20than%20women).

Published by aricubangbang

Artist and writer. Living with chronic illness and writing about it. I have survived two cancers, I live with hyperadrenergic postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome, ehlers-danlos syndrome, mast cell activation syndrome, jaundice, esophagus dysmotility, Chilblains, Raynaud's, migraines, asthma, and more. I have mental health problems which I am not ashamed of, I have CPTSD, anxiety, and depression. My medical history is extensive, but I will continue moving forward. I have hope to help others not feel isolated alone, and forgotten by an ableist society.

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